Ramblings

I've really got nothing but ramblings for this post. I feel like it's been a while since I updated...I'm to lazy to look to see what my last post was about, but I'm sure it was something depressing. So I am going to open this post with something happy!

Today, my little Brynna rolled onto her belly and lifted her head high up in the air. We have been waiting and waiting and waiting for her to do this. I think the little stinker just knew we all wanted her to do it, so she decided to make us sweat it out a little.

So, there she is...my little Brynna Boo ( as Alana and I affectionately refer to her). She was watching Alana color in this picture. She does love her big sister. If she's crying and I can't go to her right away I will often send in my little "helper" to assess the situation. Alana will go over and say "What's wrong Benna Boo?!" or "What doin Benna Boo?!"

Which brings me to my next ramble.....how the heck to nicknames start? In my experience, at least, they have been completely random. When I was pregnant with Alana I thought for sure we would call her Lainey all the time. I never call her Lainey...really ever. If I don't call her Alana, it's usually Lana or Lane and sometimes the occasional Lana Loo Who. But really, why on earth are those the nicknames that have stuck?! I know this is random...but it's 1:30 in the morning and everyone else in the house is sleeping, and here I am...wide awake! 

Which brings me to the next ramble..... I cannot sleep!! First I have trouble falling asleep and then if I do fall asleep I wake often. I mean seriously, why can't I sleep. I do not nap, and if I do manage to get both girls to nap at the same time and sneak a little snooze, it is rare and only like 20 minutes. Which would not affect sleep at night!! So, I just don't get it at all. It's really just pretty annoying. With all this awake time, I have lots of time to catch up on tv shows. I wish I had projects I could work on or something I could do to be productive, but everything I have to work on would probably create too much noise and wake someone up. I keep debating whether or not to make an appointment to talk to a doctor about that and the depression I still have occasionally, but I fear that they will say the answer will be some kind of medicine. I want to try to avoid as much medicine as I can while I'm nursing...even though the doctor has told me that there are medicines that are safe to take while nursing....I just can't stand the thought of something happening to Brynna as the result of me taking medicine. 

So there ya go, that's all the random ramblings I have for tonight.  

Whole lot of nothing

Today is a day that I really don't have a lot to write about. It's a Wednesday...which is a depressing day to me. Alan works and then has class until around 8, so I'm on baby duty all alone, the whole day. Not having a break makes for a pretty cranky mommy sometimes, but we make it through.

I feel like I've had such a weird week, emotions wise. I just feel blah. I think it must have to do with the weather and being stuck in the house all the time. I am also starting to feel the dreaded postpartum depression bubbling up again. I'm not sure that it ever really goes away, but it does ease up at times, but then comes back full force. Kind of teasing you or taunting you...it lets you get that reassuring feeling that you've beat it, just to come back and crash your world down around you. Sleepless nights are returning, which just makes things worse. I do get some sleep, it's just hard to fall asleep. I toss and turn and worry and then toss and turn some more, doze off just to wake up because I thought I heard something or to go check on the baby. Who, by the way, has moved into her crib and absolutely loves it and sleeps like a perfect angel all night.

I'm not really sure what is up with the depression...or if it really is depression. It's just strange. I don't feel sad all the time or worry non-stop, it's mostly at night or when I'm alone. Lately it has been worrying about things that I have absolutely no control over. I worry about things that I've done or said in my past that may have hurt peoples feelings. Or worry about why people don't like me. Have you ever sat and thought about that? About all the people that you know don't like you and just sit and think about what it is that you did to make them not like you? Well, let me tell you, it's depressing. I know not everyone in the world is going to love me, or even like me. But right now, that feeling of people not liking me is really depressing and hard to deal with. I know, ridiculous, right?!

I think once the girls are a little oder and the weather is nicer things will start looking up. I need to have the confidence I had when it was just Alana and I, all day. Not that Brynna is a difficult baby, it's just hard to travel anywhere with an almost 2 year old and a 3 month old....especially in the winter. I think once the weather is nicer and i'm able to get out of the house more, wrap Brynna up in her moby wrap and take Alana to story time at the library, or to the park to play, or the mall to play and shop. Right now I just feel defeated. I'm stuck in the house or close by, when we do go out, because I have a nursing baby and I'm not entirely comfortable nursing in public, even with my nursing cover.

So, anyway, here I am throwing myself a pity party, when I should really be thanking God for all of my incredible blessings. A wonderful, understanding husband and two beautiful children. That, I am incredibly thankful for.

To make me feel better, here are some pictures of my beautiful blessings!

My little bathing beauty. She loves her bath and is quickly outgrowing the little newborn sling in her little tub!

My girls! Alana loves holding Brynna and this particular time she actually sat still long enough for Brynna to fall asleep on her lap!

Brynna looks a lot like Alan. I think it's funny that siblings can look so different, but I love that they are so unique.

She is such a little Diva!

She is getting big so fast!! I want her to stop growing and just stay my baby forever!

On our way to Sesame Street Live. It was fun for a little, but then Alana got antsy and wasn't interested in it anymore and started being bad and bit Alan! Yes, I said she bit him! It's funny now, but at the time it made me so mad and sad. Like I had failed as a parent b/c my daughter is a biter. Which she really isn't, she never bites!! 

Big smiles!!

So that's that. I'm hoping my week will get better and I start feeling like myself soon.