A lot of things...

Today is Friday!! I am so happy to be able to utter those glorious words! I made it through another week of horrible winter. I am ready for the snow and cold to be gone. It would just make venturing out of the house with a toddler and a little one sooooo much easier if it were a little warmer and not so slushy and gross out. I know, I know....everyone is sick of winter. I just wanted to jump on the bandwagon and let everyone know I am too, just in case someone thought I enjoyed it.

Now that that's off my chest... hehe

Today Is January 28th!!! 3 months ago, today, I had just welcomed my beautiful little Brynna Fern into the world. It's strange to think about. I feel like time is going fast, but at the same time it is hard for me to believe that she is still only 3 months old. I feel like she has been a part of our family forever...it's strange to think about life before she was here. She seems soooo much smaller than Alana was at 3 months. Alana was a really strong and big baby. Brynna was 12 lbs at her 2 month appointment, which is really good. She just seems more delayed than I remember Alana being. And I know...every baby is different and that couldn't be more true with my girls. Alana was wide awake from day one and never seemed to stop and Brynna is way way more mellow and likes to sleep and cuddle. She's more relaxed and just enjoys taking things in from the sidelines. Surprisingly, she is startled very easily. I thought for sure she would be well adjusted to loud toddler screams and crashing toys after listening to it for 9 months, in my belly. But she is my sensitive girl. Every loud crash of blocks or banging of "Hot Dog Hot Dog Hot Diggity Dog" on the xylophone startles her. The loud screams of an almost 2 year old seem to be the scariest to my little lady. Most nights, Alana will make loud animal noises while she's being carried out of the bathroom, after her bath. The animal sound usually depends on the towel she is "wearing". She has a duck towel, frog towel, and a lion towel. So, out comes the very loud quacking toddler and then starts the sad lip quiver and pouty lip...followed by very scared cries. It really is quite sad, but I can't help but smile a little at how cute the little pouty lip is. (I know, I'm a horrible mother for thinking that's cute....oh well.)

I do love how different my girls are though. It is nice to have a relaxed baby while dealing with a crazy toddler. She is becoming a little more clingy....but really, who can complain about a clingy baby. I will hold her as much as she wants me to, because I know it wont last long and I may never have another baby, of my own, to snuggle. Brynna still has trouble supporting her head. It is better than before, as she can boldly lift her head off your shoulder when you hold her, but she still wont lift her head off the floor during tummy time. It does still worry me, but I just keep praying that tomorrow will be the day she surprises me and lifts her head up high. I think it worries me the most because we have pictures of Alana at 3 months and she was a pro at holding her head up high while on her belly, and it seems Brynna is so far from that. We'll see what the next month brings us, though. We have our 4 month check-up on March 14th, so we'll see how much she's improved by then.

On an ending note:
My dearest friend is going through really hard times. The kind of times that really really test your faith. It saddens me to see her dear family go through pain and grieving. I want desperately to have the magic words that will make everything better, but I don't think anyone has those magic words. Only time, love and prayers can heal. So, I will do my best to be supportive, loving, that shoulder to cry on and the one to yell at, if need be. I pray for the right words to say to make it a little easier and pray that they will be blessed again...as I know they so desperately want it and deserve it. Lots and Lots of prayers for my dear friends....love you guys!

Mission Accomplished!

Today, I actually got out of the house and went to the mall with the girls! Yes!! You read that right, I did it! And was it ever fabulous! I was determined to make it out of the house by myself...I just needed to prove to myself that I could indeed do it. I was very productive, too.

First, let me tell you the prep work involved in the simple process of getting out of the house. I of course had to get myself dressed, Alana dressed, and Brynna dressed. I then gathered all the necessities for in the diaper bag, which wasn't much more than some milk and water for Alana, because I keep the bag pretty stocked otherwise. I then fed Brynna so she would be nice and full for the trip and I wouldn't have to worry about breastfeeding her in public. After she was done I had to rush to get her in her seat, Alana's shoes on, my shoes on, get Alana and the bags downstairs and in the car, then run up and get Brynna and get her snapped in the car. It is probably quite comical to watch me run around the house like a crazy woman, trying to be fast, yet efficient. I finally had everyone and everything in the car and we were off! Alana was so excited to be getting out of the house. She talked the whole way and every time she would see a big building she would ask if that was the "store". We eventually made it to the mall and I got out to get my new fancy (not really that fancy) double stroller out of the back. Well, the darn thing wouldn't open up...all the other times I have used it ( with Alan there) it has opened like a dream, never a problem. Well, this time it decides to be difficult and I cannot get it open. So I have a panic moment...throw it back in the back of the car ( not really throw it b/c it probably weighs about the same as me!) and get in the car and call Alan. I'm not really sure what I expected him to do for me...I just wanted to whine about it! lol So, when Alana hears me telling Alan, on the phone, that we can't go to the mall she starts bawling, because she wants to go to the mall. I then decided to take a couple deep breaths and get out of the car and try again. I was determined not to leave until I got that darn thing to work. And I did eventually get it open....it took a little while, some muscle and some problem solving, but I got it! So, I loaded the kiddos up and we were off to do our errands! I was able to go to the post office and mail out some packages I've needed to mail out for quite some time, buy birthday cards, and 2 birthday gifts! It was a very successful trip to the mall. After I loaded the kids back in the car, I went to the bank and then to Chick Fil-a! I figured I deserved to eat some fast food, after such an accomplishment. But here's where it all begins to fall apart... See, Brynna is usually a very happy baby and doesn't really cry too much. However, she doesn't really like the car....especially when you have to sit at stop lights or in traffic. So every time I had to stop at a stop light...which seemed like a lot, she screams and cries until the car starts moving again. And apparently she doesn't like fast food places, either. She screamed the whole time I ordered, waited, gave my money and got the food. Oh, and when Brynna cries Alana thinks it's fun to also cry in this really annoying whiny, fake, cry to get attention. So, there we are at the pick up window, with 2 screaming, crying and whining kids and the lady just looks at me like she feels so sorry for me! We did make it home, though. I think as a Mom you have this ability to turn on this switch and ignore the crying and whining. It's a great talent....but it doesn't always work. Just a side not: No, I do not just let my children cry and ignore them...I'm just saying sometimes you can block it out a smidge, so you don't lose your mind! I made it home...got both kids upstairs, fed and they are now laying down for their naps. How glorious!!

Now it's time for a little "me" time, until the hubby gets home and I can have a break from playing and changing diapers nonstop! Hopefully I'll get some Zumba in, to work off the nuggets and fries I ate today!

Overall, it has been a great and productive day. I wish everyday could be like that! If only...

A New Woman!

Well, it's past 1am and here I sit in my bed, online, while everyone else in the house is sleeping. I hate not being able to sleep!! But tonight my reason for not being able to sleep is different than my usual postpartum depression insomnia. Tonight, I can't sleep because I'm excited!! Oh, and I had a medium (which is actually quite large) iced caramel latte, from Dunkin Donuts, around 7:30pm....dumb, I know....but it was oh so good! Anyway, I am excited because I recently joined a group called Mothers and More. It is just a group of Moms that get together for play dates and Mommy nights out and lots of fun stuff. Tonight was our Moms night out and we went to a fabulous place called "Color Me Mine". It's a place you can go and paint on pottery and they fire it for you (I think that's what it's called) and then you can go pick it up and its all pretty and shiny and hand painted! It was so much fun! Fun because, well I just love anything crafty and fun like that and then fun, because I got to hang out with really cool ladies and chat without having to look after a toddler and a newborn. Not that I don't enjoy those things very much, but mommy needs a break sometimes! lol And boy did I ever. I forgot what it was like to actually be a functioning human in society. I never go anywhere without my kids, except for the occasional trip to the grocery store alone or maybe a trip to kohls by myself. There have been a couple times Alan and I have gone to dinner while my parents watched them.....but in the almost 2 years since Alana was born I could probably count those events on one hand. Needless to say, I was in dire need of some time out of the house to socialize with adults, not to mention they are adults that have children and know exactly what I'm going through. It was just fabulous! I am so grateful that Alan pushed me to go out and meet with this group of women and that he is willing to watch the girls for me while I go become a woman again. I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to be more than just a mommy. I think I've finally found my place in Pittsburgh! Hooray!! Not only has it made me excited to be a woman with friends again, but it really makes me a better mom. I was excited to get home to my little Brynna....who waited patiently for her Mommy to come home so she could eat. And I'm excited for Alana to wake up in the morning so we can play and watch Mickey all day....even if I have to watch the same episode about Buzz Buzz the Bee one hundred times!

Now, I'm going to try to lay down and get some sleep before it is time for my lovebugs to wake up.

Baby weight

Having a baby does crazy...and I mean crazy....things to your body. It really is amazing all the things that change or happen after you have a baby that no one likes to mention to you when you are pregnant with your first. It's like a secret society and no one talks about it until you've had the baby. Gaining weight is of course the most obvious and most talked about. Now that my little love bug is almost 3 months old, it is time to get serious about losing the baby weight. I have to admit, with both pregnancies I was able to lose almost all of my pregnancy weight fairly easy. I only gained 25 lbs, or less, with both pregnancies but let's face it, I am not as small as I used to be (before I got married and had children). So, I recently started getting serious about losing the extra poundage and getting into shape. Mostly, I want to do it to be healthy and a good example for my girls....and to just feel better about myself. I am not setting unrealistic goals for myself or really even setting a goal. I just want to eat better (stop eating desserts all day) and to be more active. When the weather is a tad bit nicer, I plan on going to the mall in the mornings and walking. Maybe I'll even join the "Silver Sneakers", lol. I did see a few gray hairs the other day... I have also completed 2 nights of a zumba game I have for the wii. Let me tell you, the first night I did it I was aggravated beyond belief because i just couldn't get the moves down and it really frustrated me. That night, I struggled through some of the tutorial and maybe 10 minutes of an actual routine. Well, the second night I did it!! I did the whole 20 minute routine...and i did it well, If I do say so myself! I was so proud of myself. I know it's just 20 minutes....but that's a lot for me, and I think it's a great start. Hooray for me!!

On a side note: Brynna had her 2 month check-up on Monday. She now weighs 12 lbs and is 23 inches long! When the doctor walked in and saw her laying on the table he said "Well it certainly looks like we have a lot of baby there." So she is growing great. Which makes me sooo happy, because she is exclusively breastfed. Everything else check out good. I was concerned with her neck strength and the Doctor confirmed my concerns and said she is a little delayed in her neck strength but he doesn't think it's anything to be concerned about.  She just has a big head and it's hard for her to hold up on her own, yet. So it is something we will watch and revisit at her 4 month appointment. All in all she is a very normal, healthy little girl. So thankful for that!

Baby thoughts...

This week will be 11 weeks since my little baby, Brynna, was born. That's so hard for me to accept! To me, it seems like she just got here. She has her 2 month check up tonight and I am so excited to see how much she weighs. She is growing so fast. It makes me feel good to know that I am the one making her grow. She has never had anything but my milk. Which is such a great accomplishment for me, after not being able to breast feed long with Alana. I only made it about 2 month before I had to start supplementing with formula, with Alana. So nursing her is going fabulous. She loves to eat and I love to do it. She has only had a bottle once (of my milk) and we only did it just to make sure she would. I didn't want to get stuck needing to be away from her for more than just a couple hours and her not be willing to take a bottle. So, needless to say, I am a proud Momma! I don't think I will nurse past a year...if I even make it that long (baby teeth scare me!)....but I can totally see how it could be somewhat addictive. There's no better feeling than knowing you are helping your little baby grow.

So after almost 3 months, I feel like we are finally getting in a routine and things are becoming "normal" again. I became so comfortable when it was just Alana and I during the day and felt like I could go do anything with her. We would go shopping, go grocery shopping, go to the library for story time. Really there weren't too many things I felt I couldn't go do with her in tow. But that all changed when Brynna came, which was totally expected. I just forgot how lonely it makes you feel in the beginning. We just stay in the house, all the time. It really is impossible for me to take both of them out on my own. We recently got a double stroller, which has been a huge help and confidence booster, but I still don't feel comfortable taking them out by myself. Being "trapped" in the house, taking care of two children under the age of 2, trying to be a good wife and all of the post-pregnancy hormones have led to some serious postpartum depression. It's scary to say it (type it) out loud....but I feel that I shouldn't be ashamed of something that I can't control and a lot of women go through after giving birth. I had a little of it when I had Alana, but this time it totally rocked my world. Most days were ok, but nights were and sometimes still are horrible. It caused a lot of insomnia and anxiety. I still have nights I lay in bed worrying about silly things happening to the girls or someone breaking into the house. I have gone over and over escape routes, in my head, on how I would get everyone out of the house in case of a fire or how I could barricade us all in our bedroom if someone broke into the house. I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous, but those are honest fears I had....and honestly still struggle with sometimes. A lot of the depression part came from the thought that I may never be pregnant again. I had a horrible c-section experience with Brynna that I honestly thought I could never go through it again. The more time that passes, the more I think I could do it again....but only if they were willing to put me to sleep during the c-section. Which is something I would have to talk to my doctor about before I would ever consider getting pregnant again. When i had my check-up after having Brynna, I honestly walked into the doctor office and felt this sinking feeling and had to fight tears back because all I could think about was that I would never get the excitement of being pregnant again. I realize this doesn't have to be the last baby and I should just be grateful that I was able to have any children. But honestly, your brain doesn't rationalize things like that with postpartum depression. All I could think about was how this was it and think about the regret I had with choosing to have a repeat c-section. Even though many of the doctors told me my chances of having a successful vaginal delivery after my c-section were very slim, because of the babies size. I just can't stop thinking about the fact that I will never be blessed with the feeling of accomplishment of delivering a baby or having a baby placed on my chest right after birth. There are just a lot of feelings of disappointment in myself and my body for not being able to have a baby naturally, and now I will never be able to experience that, no matter how many babies I have.

It has gotten much better and everyday seems to be better and better. But it is still a struggle that I deal with everyday. It will just take time...but I do see the light at the end of the depression tunnel!

Oh yeah, I had a baby!

Well it sure has been a while. Considering my last post was announcing that I was pregnant with my 2nd baby and I have since had her and she is 10 weeks old....I'd say we have some catching up to do!

Where to start, where to start....

Well my pregnancy was relatively quiet and normal. I had really no "morning" sickness, which was fabulous. I only gained between 20 and 25 pounds, also fabulous! Our awesome friends, Michelle and Carl, threw us a Gender Reveal Party to announce the sex of the baby. It was really exciting, the morning of the party we had an ultrasound to determine the sex and told the tech to not tell us the sex. Before we went I made 2 cards...one said "It's a Boy" and one said "It's a Girl" and the tech left the room and put one of the cards in an envelope and threw the other one away. Then we were off to Morgantown to celebrate with family and at the party we opened the envelope in front of everyone and announced "It's a Girl!!" I was right, of course!! I mean, I am a woman.....are we ever wrong?! lol

I can't really think of much more that happened in the pregnancy until my mom and Michelle threw me a fabulous and intimate shower with close family and friends. It was great to get together and celebrate another baby. I know some people think it's selfish or greedy to have a shower for a 2nd baby....but I say a baby is a miracle, no matter how many other children you have. Why should you not celebrate the 2nd just as much as the first?! Anyway, it was great and greatly appreciated!

Through the pregnancy we decided to keep the name a complete surprise. Which was very hard, but the closer it got the more fun it was and there was definitely no turning back! We deliberated over the name for a very long time. Every night, after we put Alana to bed, Alan and I would go to a baby name website and go through a letter a night and made a list of names we liked. Let me just tell you, the list of names we could both agree on was very short. We narrowed it down to 2 and for several weeks we thought we had one picked and then we both agreed we didn't. lol Obviously we eventually picked the name and kept it a secret until the very end!! Success!

Sooooo, of course, just like with Alana, my body just never went into labor on its own. Huge disappointment! I was told by some doctors they would not induce since I had a previous c-section while others said they would be willing to induce...so it was a very confusing and hard decision to make. But after having an ultrasound to determine a good estimate of her size, Alan and I decided to just schedule a c-section on my due date to spare my body the stress of going through another labor and pushing, just to result in another surgery. So delivery day came....I was extremely nervous about the surgery, but figured everything would go great considering I had gone through it before. I have never been more wrong in my life!

They wheeled me back to the operating room, leaving Alan to wait in the hall until they got everything set up. This is when my own personal hell began! They sat me up to do the spinal....they start the spinal and I am in horrible pain down my back and into my legs so they stop and try again.....horrible pain again. So they stop and try again....which resulted in horrible horrible scary pain. At this point I am sobbing on the operating table, hunched over, trying not to move and remember to breath all at the same time. They called for a bigger needle and decided they would just do an epidural instead. So they try it and it results in more pain and doesn't work and they try again and finally, finally get it right. At this point you can only imagine how incredibly freaked out I am! I'm sobbing and trying to catch my breath, but I can still feel everything!! Then the real freaking out begins....I will spare you the long story of freaking out, but it ends with them warning Alan before they brought him in that I was going a little crazy and not to be scared, me screaming and crying during the entire surgery and almost being put to sleep completely....but then, they got her out! Just in time, they pulled her out and we heard her cry! It was the best feeling in the world!! I did it, I survived the surgery, barely. Now the recovery process began. That's not really a fun story, so I'll just tell you that it was much harder the 2nd time around.

Brynna Fern Raudenbush was born on October 28th at 11:56 am she was 8 lbs 13 oz! When they pulled her out the nurse said, "well Ashley, I think you just make big babies!" lol (Alana was 9 lbs 3 oz when she was born) Everyone always asks us how we came up with her name....and honestly people, we just found her first name online....there's no cute story behind it. And it is pronounced like "Brinnah". I never thought about all of the pronunciations people would think it was until people started mispronouncing her name. Amazing! Her middle name, however, is very special. Fern was my Great Aunt Janet's middle name and she was very dear to me. So we wanted to honor her by giving Brynna her middle name. Besides, it's a pretty stinkin' cute name too. In my opinion, at least.

So that's that. She came home from the hospital on Halloween and is really a great baby. She only ever cried if she wants to eat or if she is sleepy and wants you to snuggle her to sleep. Alana has fallen into the big sister role very well. She of course has her jealousy issues from time to time, but they are minor and considering she's not even 2 yet, I think she is doing fabulous.

Since this has become the largest post in the history of blog posts, I will save stories of Christmas for another day!

I hope you enjoyed getting caught up on this thing that is my crazy life!