Baby thoughts...

This week will be 11 weeks since my little baby, Brynna, was born. That's so hard for me to accept! To me, it seems like she just got here. She has her 2 month check up tonight and I am so excited to see how much she weighs. She is growing so fast. It makes me feel good to know that I am the one making her grow. She has never had anything but my milk. Which is such a great accomplishment for me, after not being able to breast feed long with Alana. I only made it about 2 month before I had to start supplementing with formula, with Alana. So nursing her is going fabulous. She loves to eat and I love to do it. She has only had a bottle once (of my milk) and we only did it just to make sure she would. I didn't want to get stuck needing to be away from her for more than just a couple hours and her not be willing to take a bottle. So, needless to say, I am a proud Momma! I don't think I will nurse past a year...if I even make it that long (baby teeth scare me!)....but I can totally see how it could be somewhat addictive. There's no better feeling than knowing you are helping your little baby grow.

So after almost 3 months, I feel like we are finally getting in a routine and things are becoming "normal" again. I became so comfortable when it was just Alana and I during the day and felt like I could go do anything with her. We would go shopping, go grocery shopping, go to the library for story time. Really there weren't too many things I felt I couldn't go do with her in tow. But that all changed when Brynna came, which was totally expected. I just forgot how lonely it makes you feel in the beginning. We just stay in the house, all the time. It really is impossible for me to take both of them out on my own. We recently got a double stroller, which has been a huge help and confidence booster, but I still don't feel comfortable taking them out by myself. Being "trapped" in the house, taking care of two children under the age of 2, trying to be a good wife and all of the post-pregnancy hormones have led to some serious postpartum depression. It's scary to say it (type it) out loud....but I feel that I shouldn't be ashamed of something that I can't control and a lot of women go through after giving birth. I had a little of it when I had Alana, but this time it totally rocked my world. Most days were ok, but nights were and sometimes still are horrible. It caused a lot of insomnia and anxiety. I still have nights I lay in bed worrying about silly things happening to the girls or someone breaking into the house. I have gone over and over escape routes, in my head, on how I would get everyone out of the house in case of a fire or how I could barricade us all in our bedroom if someone broke into the house. I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous, but those are honest fears I had....and honestly still struggle with sometimes. A lot of the depression part came from the thought that I may never be pregnant again. I had a horrible c-section experience with Brynna that I honestly thought I could never go through it again. The more time that passes, the more I think I could do it again....but only if they were willing to put me to sleep during the c-section. Which is something I would have to talk to my doctor about before I would ever consider getting pregnant again. When i had my check-up after having Brynna, I honestly walked into the doctor office and felt this sinking feeling and had to fight tears back because all I could think about was that I would never get the excitement of being pregnant again. I realize this doesn't have to be the last baby and I should just be grateful that I was able to have any children. But honestly, your brain doesn't rationalize things like that with postpartum depression. All I could think about was how this was it and think about the regret I had with choosing to have a repeat c-section. Even though many of the doctors told me my chances of having a successful vaginal delivery after my c-section were very slim, because of the babies size. I just can't stop thinking about the fact that I will never be blessed with the feeling of accomplishment of delivering a baby or having a baby placed on my chest right after birth. There are just a lot of feelings of disappointment in myself and my body for not being able to have a baby naturally, and now I will never be able to experience that, no matter how many babies I have.

It has gotten much better and everyday seems to be better and better. But it is still a struggle that I deal with everyday. It will just take time...but I do see the light at the end of the depression tunnel!