I feel like I've had such a weird week, emotions wise. I just feel blah. I think it must have to do with the weather and being stuck in the house all the time. I am also starting to feel the dreaded postpartum depression bubbling up again. I'm not sure that it ever really goes away, but it does ease up at times, but then comes back full force. Kind of teasing you or taunting you...it lets you get that reassuring feeling that you've beat it, just to come back and crash your world down around you. Sleepless nights are returning, which just makes things worse. I do get some sleep, it's just hard to fall asleep. I toss and turn and worry and then toss and turn some more, doze off just to wake up because I thought I heard something or to go check on the baby. Who, by the way, has moved into her crib and absolutely loves it and sleeps like a perfect angel all night.
I'm not really sure what is up with the depression...or if it really is depression. It's just strange. I don't feel sad all the time or worry non-stop, it's mostly at night or when I'm alone. Lately it has been worrying about things that I have absolutely no control over. I worry about things that I've done or said in my past that may have hurt peoples feelings. Or worry about why people don't like me. Have you ever sat and thought about that? About all the people that you know don't like you and just sit and think about what it is that you did to make them not like you? Well, let me tell you, it's depressing. I know not everyone in the world is going to love me, or even like me. But right now, that feeling of people not liking me is really depressing and hard to deal with. I know, ridiculous, right?!
I think once the girls are a little oder and the weather is nicer things will start looking up. I need to have the confidence I had when it was just Alana and I, all day. Not that Brynna is a difficult baby, it's just hard to travel anywhere with an almost 2 year old and a 3 month old....especially in the winter. I think once the weather is nicer and i'm able to get out of the house more, wrap Brynna up in her moby wrap and take Alana to story time at the library, or to the park to play, or the mall to play and shop. Right now I just feel defeated. I'm stuck in the house or close by, when we do go out, because I have a nursing baby and I'm not entirely comfortable nursing in public, even with my nursing cover.
So, anyway, here I am throwing myself a pity party, when I should really be thanking God for all of my incredible blessings. A wonderful, understanding husband and two beautiful children. That, I am incredibly thankful for.
To make me feel better, here are some pictures of my beautiful blessings!
My little bathing beauty. She loves her bath and is quickly outgrowing the little newborn sling in her little tub!
My girls! Alana loves holding Brynna and this particular time she actually sat still long enough for Brynna to fall asleep on her lap!
Brynna looks a lot like Alan. I think it's funny that siblings can look so different, but I love that they are so unique.
She is such a little Diva!
She is getting big so fast!! I want her to stop growing and just stay my baby forever!
On our way to Sesame Street Live. It was fun for a little, but then Alana got antsy and wasn't interested in it anymore and started being bad and bit Alan! Yes, I said she bit him! It's funny now, but at the time it made me so mad and sad. Like I had failed as a parent b/c my daughter is a biter. Which she really isn't, she never bites!!
Big smiles!!
So that's that. I'm hoping my week will get better and I start feeling like myself soon.
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