2 Years!!

Tomorrow, April 1st, my little Alana will be 2 years old!! I can't even believe it. It seems like just yesterday I was holding her in the hospital. Now, she is a crazy toddler that runs around like a wild woman and never stops talking. I mean really, she never stops talking! She says absolutely everything you can imagine and lets you know her opinion often. Everyday is an exciting adventure with her. She loves Dora and Mickey Clubhouse. Honestly, she probably watched way to much tv, but I credit it for a lot of the things she has learned. One evening, we all went downstairs to play. There is a large toy box with a lid that lifts and slides back out of the way...so it's a little tricky for her to get on her own. I was in the laundry room and heard her yelling "Ayudeme, Ayudeme" I told Alan I thought she was saying something in Spanish. So he looked

 it up and she was saying "Help me", In Spanish!! She learned how to say something in Spanish

 from tv!! She just amazes me sometimes. 

So tomorrow we are heading to Morgantown to get ready for Alana's 2nd birthday party, at my 

parent's house! The party is Minnie Mouse themed with lots of cute decor and snacks.

Alan and I made Minnie Mouse sugar cookies for the party today and when Alana saw the she

 said "How Wonderful! " lol 

I will definitely post an update with tons of pictures from the party. I have worked super hard on

 making all the decorations and prep for the party!! I hope she likes it!

Sleep??

Not being able to sleep has to be one of the most annoying things I've ever dealt with. It has been going on for far far too long. The first couple weeks I didn't really think much of it. I've never really been a great sleeper. I have never been one to fall right to sleep. My husband, however, falls asleep minutes after closing his eyes. I so wish that were me! I have always needed a tv to fall asleep. Which is a horrible crutch. I hope to avoid it with my kids, if possible. I don't remember a time that I didn't use a tv to help me fall asleep. I hate the dark...absolutely hate it. The unknown factor of it just totally creeps me out. I hate my creeky house and that it only makes noises in the middle of the night. I hate that I'm 27 years old and still have these irrational fears!
Seriously, I should be the one able to comfort my girls when they are older and afraid of the dark or the monster under the bed. But, I would be huddled on the bed with them, hiding under the covers.

Really, I just need to suck it up and keep calling the doctors office until I get an appointment or some answers. All of it stems from my postpartum depression/anxiety. When I had my check-up after having Brynna I talked to the doctor about my postpartum and she referred me to a place...maybe you could call it a clinic or something. Well, I called to get an appointment and the man that answered the phone was incredibly rude and condescending. He told me that I would need to talk to him on the phone for 15 minutes and then he would decide if he should refer me to see a doctor...and that I wouldn't be able to see a doctor for at least 3 months. Oh and to top it off he told me the only way he could speak to me and set up a possible appointment would be to give him my social security number. Ummm, no. So that was a dead end. I told myself I would just wait it out and if I didn't feel better I would call my doctor back and get a different reference. Well, it stayed the same...got a little worse...got a little better and then came back full force and has now resulted in me pretty much never sleeping and if I do happen to dose off  I wake up in a terror/panic multiple times a night. So on Friday I finally sucked it up and decided to call my doctor to get an appointment. I waited to call during Alana's nap, so there wouldn't be a screaming toddler in the background while I'm trying to talk to them. So, of course on Fridays the office closes at 2:00. Go figure.

I should have called back today....I so wish I would have. I keep trying to convince myself that I'm fine and don't really have the depression or anxiety anymore. I mean, I don't lay around the house in a funk or feel overwhelmingly sad. It's just like a switch goes off. If Alana is being really bad and throwing a tantrum...which happens more often than I wish to admit these days....I totally lose it. I just can't handle it. I feel like I'm having a complete nervous break down and collapse into a puddle of tears. It makes me feel like a horrible mom, and feel like my life is completely over. I know that's probably a little dramatic, but in the moment all I can think about is that it will always be like this...she will always be a brat...she will always kick and scream because she doesn't want to eat lunch or some other random thing. Alan and I will never be able to go out and leave her with a babysitter b/c I would be so embarrassed and feel horrible to make someone else deal with that.

The other switch that goes off is just immense sadness. I was in the car with just Alana the other day and a song came on the radio...I don't even remember what song it was....but it for some reason made me think of having another baby. This then spun me into a spiral of thinking how I will never, no matter how many children I have get to experience the type of birth I want. I will never get a baby placed on my chest after birth . I will always be strapped down and cut open. I will never get to go into labor on my own. And it all just made me sit at a red light and cry. I know, I know...big pity party for me. I know I should be (and I am) incredibly grateful that I am able to have healthy, beautiful children. But it's not how I pictured it. It's not what I wanted. I don't know anyone that dreams of having a c-section some day....if they do, that's strange.

The anxiety is just hard to explain. If you've ever imagined something bad happening....just imagine doing that all day, everyday. I can't sleep because every noise I hear I think is someone trying to break in or that someone is already in the house. I worry that maybe someone followed me home from the store and is just waiting for the wee hours of the morning to break in and kill us all. I worry about the house catching on fire. I worry about something horrible happening to my girls....choking, falling....really anything horrible that could happen to a person...I've worried about it happening to my girls.

This is really the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I try to act like it's not happening and go on with life. I don't even think my husband knows the half of what I'm dealing with in this head of mine. Not because he's not supportive or caring....but b/c I hide it from him. I'm embarrassed...ashamed...disappointed and feel like a failure because I can't get over this.

I know the solution will be counseling and medicine...but then the worrier in me doesn't want to take any medicine because I'm breastfeeding, and I don't want to give that up. It's really just a viscous cycle.

 A cycle of no sleep and taking care of kids. 

Ramblings

I've really got nothing but ramblings for this post. I feel like it's been a while since I updated...I'm to lazy to look to see what my last post was about, but I'm sure it was something depressing. So I am going to open this post with something happy!

Today, my little Brynna rolled onto her belly and lifted her head high up in the air. We have been waiting and waiting and waiting for her to do this. I think the little stinker just knew we all wanted her to do it, so she decided to make us sweat it out a little.

So, there she is...my little Brynna Boo ( as Alana and I affectionately refer to her). She was watching Alana color in this picture. She does love her big sister. If she's crying and I can't go to her right away I will often send in my little "helper" to assess the situation. Alana will go over and say "What's wrong Benna Boo?!" or "What doin Benna Boo?!"

Which brings me to my next ramble.....how the heck to nicknames start? In my experience, at least, they have been completely random. When I was pregnant with Alana I thought for sure we would call her Lainey all the time. I never call her Lainey...really ever. If I don't call her Alana, it's usually Lana or Lane and sometimes the occasional Lana Loo Who. But really, why on earth are those the nicknames that have stuck?! I know this is random...but it's 1:30 in the morning and everyone else in the house is sleeping, and here I am...wide awake! 

Which brings me to the next ramble..... I cannot sleep!! First I have trouble falling asleep and then if I do fall asleep I wake often. I mean seriously, why can't I sleep. I do not nap, and if I do manage to get both girls to nap at the same time and sneak a little snooze, it is rare and only like 20 minutes. Which would not affect sleep at night!! So, I just don't get it at all. It's really just pretty annoying. With all this awake time, I have lots of time to catch up on tv shows. I wish I had projects I could work on or something I could do to be productive, but everything I have to work on would probably create too much noise and wake someone up. I keep debating whether or not to make an appointment to talk to a doctor about that and the depression I still have occasionally, but I fear that they will say the answer will be some kind of medicine. I want to try to avoid as much medicine as I can while I'm nursing...even though the doctor has told me that there are medicines that are safe to take while nursing....I just can't stand the thought of something happening to Brynna as the result of me taking medicine. 

So there ya go, that's all the random ramblings I have for tonight.  

Whole lot of nothing

Today is a day that I really don't have a lot to write about. It's a Wednesday...which is a depressing day to me. Alan works and then has class until around 8, so I'm on baby duty all alone, the whole day. Not having a break makes for a pretty cranky mommy sometimes, but we make it through.

I feel like I've had such a weird week, emotions wise. I just feel blah. I think it must have to do with the weather and being stuck in the house all the time. I am also starting to feel the dreaded postpartum depression bubbling up again. I'm not sure that it ever really goes away, but it does ease up at times, but then comes back full force. Kind of teasing you or taunting you...it lets you get that reassuring feeling that you've beat it, just to come back and crash your world down around you. Sleepless nights are returning, which just makes things worse. I do get some sleep, it's just hard to fall asleep. I toss and turn and worry and then toss and turn some more, doze off just to wake up because I thought I heard something or to go check on the baby. Who, by the way, has moved into her crib and absolutely loves it and sleeps like a perfect angel all night.

I'm not really sure what is up with the depression...or if it really is depression. It's just strange. I don't feel sad all the time or worry non-stop, it's mostly at night or when I'm alone. Lately it has been worrying about things that I have absolutely no control over. I worry about things that I've done or said in my past that may have hurt peoples feelings. Or worry about why people don't like me. Have you ever sat and thought about that? About all the people that you know don't like you and just sit and think about what it is that you did to make them not like you? Well, let me tell you, it's depressing. I know not everyone in the world is going to love me, or even like me. But right now, that feeling of people not liking me is really depressing and hard to deal with. I know, ridiculous, right?!

I think once the girls are a little oder and the weather is nicer things will start looking up. I need to have the confidence I had when it was just Alana and I, all day. Not that Brynna is a difficult baby, it's just hard to travel anywhere with an almost 2 year old and a 3 month old....especially in the winter. I think once the weather is nicer and i'm able to get out of the house more, wrap Brynna up in her moby wrap and take Alana to story time at the library, or to the park to play, or the mall to play and shop. Right now I just feel defeated. I'm stuck in the house or close by, when we do go out, because I have a nursing baby and I'm not entirely comfortable nursing in public, even with my nursing cover.

So, anyway, here I am throwing myself a pity party, when I should really be thanking God for all of my incredible blessings. A wonderful, understanding husband and two beautiful children. That, I am incredibly thankful for.

To make me feel better, here are some pictures of my beautiful blessings!

My little bathing beauty. She loves her bath and is quickly outgrowing the little newborn sling in her little tub!

My girls! Alana loves holding Brynna and this particular time she actually sat still long enough for Brynna to fall asleep on her lap!

Brynna looks a lot like Alan. I think it's funny that siblings can look so different, but I love that they are so unique.

She is such a little Diva!

She is getting big so fast!! I want her to stop growing and just stay my baby forever!

On our way to Sesame Street Live. It was fun for a little, but then Alana got antsy and wasn't interested in it anymore and started being bad and bit Alan! Yes, I said she bit him! It's funny now, but at the time it made me so mad and sad. Like I had failed as a parent b/c my daughter is a biter. Which she really isn't, she never bites!! 

Big smiles!!

So that's that. I'm hoping my week will get better and I start feeling like myself soon. 

A lot of things...

Today is Friday!! I am so happy to be able to utter those glorious words! I made it through another week of horrible winter. I am ready for the snow and cold to be gone. It would just make venturing out of the house with a toddler and a little one sooooo much easier if it were a little warmer and not so slushy and gross out. I know, I know....everyone is sick of winter. I just wanted to jump on the bandwagon and let everyone know I am too, just in case someone thought I enjoyed it.

Now that that's off my chest... hehe

Today Is January 28th!!! 3 months ago, today, I had just welcomed my beautiful little Brynna Fern into the world. It's strange to think about. I feel like time is going fast, but at the same time it is hard for me to believe that she is still only 3 months old. I feel like she has been a part of our family forever...it's strange to think about life before she was here. She seems soooo much smaller than Alana was at 3 months. Alana was a really strong and big baby. Brynna was 12 lbs at her 2 month appointment, which is really good. She just seems more delayed than I remember Alana being. And I know...every baby is different and that couldn't be more true with my girls. Alana was wide awake from day one and never seemed to stop and Brynna is way way more mellow and likes to sleep and cuddle. She's more relaxed and just enjoys taking things in from the sidelines. Surprisingly, she is startled very easily. I thought for sure she would be well adjusted to loud toddler screams and crashing toys after listening to it for 9 months, in my belly. But she is my sensitive girl. Every loud crash of blocks or banging of "Hot Dog Hot Dog Hot Diggity Dog" on the xylophone startles her. The loud screams of an almost 2 year old seem to be the scariest to my little lady. Most nights, Alana will make loud animal noises while she's being carried out of the bathroom, after her bath. The animal sound usually depends on the towel she is "wearing". She has a duck towel, frog towel, and a lion towel. So, out comes the very loud quacking toddler and then starts the sad lip quiver and pouty lip...followed by very scared cries. It really is quite sad, but I can't help but smile a little at how cute the little pouty lip is. (I know, I'm a horrible mother for thinking that's cute....oh well.)

I do love how different my girls are though. It is nice to have a relaxed baby while dealing with a crazy toddler. She is becoming a little more clingy....but really, who can complain about a clingy baby. I will hold her as much as she wants me to, because I know it wont last long and I may never have another baby, of my own, to snuggle. Brynna still has trouble supporting her head. It is better than before, as she can boldly lift her head off your shoulder when you hold her, but she still wont lift her head off the floor during tummy time. It does still worry me, but I just keep praying that tomorrow will be the day she surprises me and lifts her head up high. I think it worries me the most because we have pictures of Alana at 3 months and she was a pro at holding her head up high while on her belly, and it seems Brynna is so far from that. We'll see what the next month brings us, though. We have our 4 month check-up on March 14th, so we'll see how much she's improved by then.

On an ending note:
My dearest friend is going through really hard times. The kind of times that really really test your faith. It saddens me to see her dear family go through pain and grieving. I want desperately to have the magic words that will make everything better, but I don't think anyone has those magic words. Only time, love and prayers can heal. So, I will do my best to be supportive, loving, that shoulder to cry on and the one to yell at, if need be. I pray for the right words to say to make it a little easier and pray that they will be blessed again...as I know they so desperately want it and deserve it. Lots and Lots of prayers for my dear friends....love you guys!

Mission Accomplished!

Today, I actually got out of the house and went to the mall with the girls! Yes!! You read that right, I did it! And was it ever fabulous! I was determined to make it out of the house by myself...I just needed to prove to myself that I could indeed do it. I was very productive, too.

First, let me tell you the prep work involved in the simple process of getting out of the house. I of course had to get myself dressed, Alana dressed, and Brynna dressed. I then gathered all the necessities for in the diaper bag, which wasn't much more than some milk and water for Alana, because I keep the bag pretty stocked otherwise. I then fed Brynna so she would be nice and full for the trip and I wouldn't have to worry about breastfeeding her in public. After she was done I had to rush to get her in her seat, Alana's shoes on, my shoes on, get Alana and the bags downstairs and in the car, then run up and get Brynna and get her snapped in the car. It is probably quite comical to watch me run around the house like a crazy woman, trying to be fast, yet efficient. I finally had everyone and everything in the car and we were off! Alana was so excited to be getting out of the house. She talked the whole way and every time she would see a big building she would ask if that was the "store". We eventually made it to the mall and I got out to get my new fancy (not really that fancy) double stroller out of the back. Well, the darn thing wouldn't open up...all the other times I have used it ( with Alan there) it has opened like a dream, never a problem. Well, this time it decides to be difficult and I cannot get it open. So I have a panic moment...throw it back in the back of the car ( not really throw it b/c it probably weighs about the same as me!) and get in the car and call Alan. I'm not really sure what I expected him to do for me...I just wanted to whine about it! lol So, when Alana hears me telling Alan, on the phone, that we can't go to the mall she starts bawling, because she wants to go to the mall. I then decided to take a couple deep breaths and get out of the car and try again. I was determined not to leave until I got that darn thing to work. And I did eventually get it open....it took a little while, some muscle and some problem solving, but I got it! So, I loaded the kiddos up and we were off to do our errands! I was able to go to the post office and mail out some packages I've needed to mail out for quite some time, buy birthday cards, and 2 birthday gifts! It was a very successful trip to the mall. After I loaded the kids back in the car, I went to the bank and then to Chick Fil-a! I figured I deserved to eat some fast food, after such an accomplishment. But here's where it all begins to fall apart... See, Brynna is usually a very happy baby and doesn't really cry too much. However, she doesn't really like the car....especially when you have to sit at stop lights or in traffic. So every time I had to stop at a stop light...which seemed like a lot, she screams and cries until the car starts moving again. And apparently she doesn't like fast food places, either. She screamed the whole time I ordered, waited, gave my money and got the food. Oh, and when Brynna cries Alana thinks it's fun to also cry in this really annoying whiny, fake, cry to get attention. So, there we are at the pick up window, with 2 screaming, crying and whining kids and the lady just looks at me like she feels so sorry for me! We did make it home, though. I think as a Mom you have this ability to turn on this switch and ignore the crying and whining. It's a great talent....but it doesn't always work. Just a side not: No, I do not just let my children cry and ignore them...I'm just saying sometimes you can block it out a smidge, so you don't lose your mind! I made it home...got both kids upstairs, fed and they are now laying down for their naps. How glorious!!

Now it's time for a little "me" time, until the hubby gets home and I can have a break from playing and changing diapers nonstop! Hopefully I'll get some Zumba in, to work off the nuggets and fries I ate today!

Overall, it has been a great and productive day. I wish everyday could be like that! If only...

A New Woman!

Well, it's past 1am and here I sit in my bed, online, while everyone else in the house is sleeping. I hate not being able to sleep!! But tonight my reason for not being able to sleep is different than my usual postpartum depression insomnia. Tonight, I can't sleep because I'm excited!! Oh, and I had a medium (which is actually quite large) iced caramel latte, from Dunkin Donuts, around 7:30pm....dumb, I know....but it was oh so good! Anyway, I am excited because I recently joined a group called Mothers and More. It is just a group of Moms that get together for play dates and Mommy nights out and lots of fun stuff. Tonight was our Moms night out and we went to a fabulous place called "Color Me Mine". It's a place you can go and paint on pottery and they fire it for you (I think that's what it's called) and then you can go pick it up and its all pretty and shiny and hand painted! It was so much fun! Fun because, well I just love anything crafty and fun like that and then fun, because I got to hang out with really cool ladies and chat without having to look after a toddler and a newborn. Not that I don't enjoy those things very much, but mommy needs a break sometimes! lol And boy did I ever. I forgot what it was like to actually be a functioning human in society. I never go anywhere without my kids, except for the occasional trip to the grocery store alone or maybe a trip to kohls by myself. There have been a couple times Alan and I have gone to dinner while my parents watched them.....but in the almost 2 years since Alana was born I could probably count those events on one hand. Needless to say, I was in dire need of some time out of the house to socialize with adults, not to mention they are adults that have children and know exactly what I'm going through. It was just fabulous! I am so grateful that Alan pushed me to go out and meet with this group of women and that he is willing to watch the girls for me while I go become a woman again. I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to be more than just a mommy. I think I've finally found my place in Pittsburgh! Hooray!! Not only has it made me excited to be a woman with friends again, but it really makes me a better mom. I was excited to get home to my little Brynna....who waited patiently for her Mommy to come home so she could eat. And I'm excited for Alana to wake up in the morning so we can play and watch Mickey all day....even if I have to watch the same episode about Buzz Buzz the Bee one hundred times!

Now, I'm going to try to lay down and get some sleep before it is time for my lovebugs to wake up.